Don't You Wish Your Kitten Was Hot. Like. Me.

Yet another guest post by Hallie

Most of my days are pretty dull. I wake up. I fall asleep. I wake up an hour later and rub my back on Nick's leg. I fall asleep while eating.

But some days -- well, some days are special.

I woke up a few weeks ago to the marvelous sensation that my gracious roommates bought me a new bed. They claim that they didn't buy me a new bed, that in fact it was Negrin's old mattress that he's selling on Craigslist because he got a new meowmory foam mattress. But I know when I'm being rewarded for good behavior, and this was a sure sign.

So the first thing I did to show my appreciation for the mattress on our living room floor was vomit all over it.

Then after Waite cleaned it up I slept on it every day, mostly during the day. So soft! But it was so close to the ground, which was unsettling. I prayed every day to Cat Jesus hoping that he would make it a little bit taller, just an inch or two here or there, so I could bathe in the inexplicable sensation that is being high above the ground.

THEN, MAGICALLY, ONE DAY, THE MATTRESS WAS UPRIGHT AGAINST THE WALL! CAT JESUS ANSWERED MY PRAYERS AND I CRIED MEOWLELUJAH.

But how was I supposed to get all the way up to the top? I'll tell you how, rhetorical voice in my brain. I climbed that motherfucker like Spiderman was being tased. At first I got only half-way up, and hung on for dear life, dangling from the edge of the magical mattress with my claws while the floor swung back and forth below me.

I fell.

But buoyed by the cheers and support from my friends*, I tried again -- and I made it all the way to the top! All 450 feet** of the way up!

And once I got there I celebrated by sleeping.

So nobody buy the mattress from Negrin on Craigslist because a) I vomited all over it and b) I keep it now.

* Editor's note: We are not her friends.

** Editor's note: Hallie does not have an accurate measurement of space or time.