New Digs, Same Cat (But Fat?)

This damn cat Hallie, she bets everyone stopped reading this old blog. She thought nobody would care about her after she moved to a new apartment. Well you know what Hallie? You're right. Nobody cares.

Wait a minute. Hallie, you're looking pretty fat these days. Is that because you've scratched your way into Nick's bottomless Take 5 collection? Or are there no stairs for you to run up and down 80 times a day for no reason?

(Sigh.) Hallie, the truth is, I don't get the same pleasure I used to out of making fun of your stupid face and fat body and racist comments and Nickelback albums. I know that we are two different creatures, spinning together on this crazy planet called Earth, and sure I'll out-live you by at least 60 years, probably more, because I'm super buff. But that doesn't mean I can't still deliver a hell of a eulogy at your funeral.

So Hallie, until you die, rest in peace. And stay away from my pasta dinner!

Special Delivery! Unconscious Cat

This damn cat Hallie, she almost fulfilled my dreams and killed herself this morning.

Fervent reader of This Damn Cat Anne, a friend from many adventures past, had to crash on our couch last night after Washington's fantastically flawless transit system stranded her in the swamp with no route back to the Big Apple. Anne immediately recognized Hallie from said blog and wasted no time in mocking her.

Anyway. Anne had to leave early to catch the train back to Gotham, like, before the sun rose. Roommate Nick reports that he stayed asleep on the first floor:

"But something woke/scared Hallie. All I heard was a sound like she fell down the stairs and hit the door. Then she went under my bed and didn't come out for two hours..."

Hallie, we almost barely knew ye.

Good job Anne!

Don't You Wish Your Kitten Was Hot. Like. Me.

Yet another guest post by Hallie

Most of my days are pretty dull. I wake up. I fall asleep. I wake up an hour later and rub my back on Nick's leg. I fall asleep while eating.

But some days -- well, some days are special.

I woke up a few weeks ago to the marvelous sensation that my gracious roommates bought me a new bed. They claim that they didn't buy me a new bed, that in fact it was Negrin's old mattress that he's selling on Craigslist because he got a new meowmory foam mattress. But I know when I'm being rewarded for good behavior, and this was a sure sign.

So the first thing I did to show my appreciation for the mattress on our living room floor was vomit all over it.

Then after Waite cleaned it up I slept on it every day, mostly during the day. So soft! But it was so close to the ground, which was unsettling. I prayed every day to Cat Jesus hoping that he would make it a little bit taller, just an inch or two here or there, so I could bathe in the inexplicable sensation that is being high above the ground.

THEN, MAGICALLY, ONE DAY, THE MATTRESS WAS UPRIGHT AGAINST THE WALL! CAT JESUS ANSWERED MY PRAYERS AND I CRIED MEOWLELUJAH.

But how was I supposed to get all the way up to the top? I'll tell you how, rhetorical voice in my brain. I climbed that motherfucker like Spiderman was being tased. At first I got only half-way up, and hung on for dear life, dangling from the edge of the magical mattress with my claws while the floor swung back and forth below me.

I fell.

But buoyed by the cheers and support from my friends*, I tried again -- and I made it all the way to the top! All 450 feet** of the way up!

And once I got there I celebrated by sleeping.

So nobody buy the mattress from Negrin on Craigslist because a) I vomited all over it and b) I keep it now.

* Editor's note: We are not her friends.

** Editor's note: Hallie does not have an accurate measurement of space or time.

sad

This damn cat Hallie

From Pawper to Fat Cat

This damn cat Hallie, it's about time she helped us out with the rent. The renting company that owns our community is putting on a YouTube competition, and we submitted the above video -- featuring our damn cat -- hoping to win over fans of this here blog.

Hallie did a surprisingly great job. Don't get cocky, cat.

If you like the video, please go to our YouTube page and "like" it for real by clicking "like," the way that all people like things in the new age:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVZtHwEH62I

If we win by getting the most "like"s, I promise that I will take suggestions for a super-duper blog post. And you can even be in it!

Hallie Challenges Hank to an Open Furum

This damn cat Hallie, she's got some competition.

After spending the weekend on her new shelf, Hallie has regained the confidence once sapped from her by her boring days the way my dinner is sapped from me by Hallie's gross mouth. The story about the shelf, by the way, is that Hallie is too stupid to know what not to climb on, so Nick took a piece of wood from my desk and nailed it two feet above our mantel so that Hallie would climb up on it instead of walking around behind the TV and stepping on shit.

Anyway. Hallie read today that there's a cat running for Senate. That cat is named Hank. And that damn cat Hank has been challenged to a debate.

To be clear, Hallie isn't running for Senate. Hallie isn't running for anything except for her life when I'm chasing her down the stairs with a cup of hot water. I think she's just grown tired of cracking snide comments about the hit NBC documentary drama "Whitney."

Even though she isn't running for office, she does have a campaign slogan: "We Are the 2 Percent." Get it, like the milk?

Now It's Personal

This damn cat Hallie, she's clawed her way to a tipping point. I apologize for not updating the blog over the past few days. I would have, but my hand has been unusable after Hallie had her way with it. Let me go through the atrocities Hallie has committed in just a week:

1. Scratched me on the hand. It hurt.

2. Scratched me on the inside of my forearm. It bled.

3. Jumped up behind the TV and shut the whole entertainment system down by turning the power off.

4. Threw up on the stairs.

Atrocity No. 2 was the most painful for me. Atrocity No. 3 was the worst for Nick. And Atrocity No. 4 was bad for everyone.

To pay Hallie back, I doused her with a cup of water last night. She got all wet and ran under Nick's bed whining like a little bitch. Nick was initially upset but REMEMBER ATROCITY NO. 3, NICK.

The sad news is that Hallie is growing up and she's growing up terribly. The stuff that used to be cute is now just annoying. It's time to bring to life the namesake of this blog's URL and rally public opinion in our favor. Please vote in our poll to the right.

My closing argument is a quote from Stephen Colbert: "I love kittens, and I will continue to do so until the moment they become cats."